You were to "mind your p's and q's" and "look as if someone owned you". Of which the later one always disturbed me.....but she said it ALL the time! So it must have been a humbling reality when she realized that working as a waitress that she needed help and one day went to welfare and asked for assistance. The American Dream became just that...a Dream. But I can tell you, as a child I thought we won the lottery with a grocery store! I remember a time before this "jackpot" happened things were so tight that I believed that the only food available was the school lunches- of which my brothers and I got through government funding, and egg sandwiches, or when my Aunt Kathy would come and get us and keep us with her for a week or two in the summers. I remember going to a food bank in which we would get food and free clothes- "hand me downs" was the name brand in our house because even K-mart was too expensive. And I will never forget the one day my mother had $2 and we drove to a gas station on fumes to buy the cheapest cookies she could find for a treat-because it had been so long since we had any- and they were the best tasting cookies ever! I actually buy them still as a reminder of how far I have come. But one day, my mother, which I am sure she was filled with embarrassment, went to ask for help. We came home from school to find a house filled with food. She did not have to travel the globe to ask for help, but I am sure it felt like it.
I often wonder if my mother dragged her feet asking for help for her cancers, out of her still active thoughts of reaching the American Dream? I often wonder what would have happened if she stayed in England where they have socialized medicine, if she would have gotten help sooner. I remember after every cancer she did not look like she was living the American Dream. Although I remember her trying to put her make-up on for radiation treatments, or to go out in public. Or trying to dress comfortably due to abdominal incisions after her colon cancer. But what really got me was when she had brain cancer. It was very apparent the her American Dream was no longer available. With a gaping spot of shaved head, the inability to dress herself, her trying to look "as if someone owned her". Unfortunately at that time, CANCER owned her. I often regret being in Georgia during this time. But the week I was able to go home a month before she passed, I was able to care for her in ways that I never thought I would have to care for her. But the one thing that always stays with me was I was able to crawl into bed with her and just cuddle with her. I remember she started to cry and she apologized for the way she looked. Even in her darkest moment she was worried about her appearance. She said she was sorry for all that she did and not being able to give us the best. I remember rubbing her spot that was healing on her head and telling her that she did the best she could. I remember crying with her. My mother was never one to ask for help or forgiveness for that matter, but that day she asked me to forgive her for not being able to provide the way that she wanted to. And I remember telling her that at this moment in time, as we lay in this bed, you have provided me more that anything that money could buy in this moment.
So you do not have to travel the globe to help, sometimes you just need to cross the street. Or sometimes you just need to look within and find a person within arms reach to help. My mother helped me that day in her bed, and helped to realize that there is so much more to life than appearances, and to material possessions of the "American Dream". It may be as simple as reaching out and just being with someone and doing a kind gesture. And that is the reason for Karma Caps.
