You do not have to travel the globe to help, sometimes you just need to cross the street~

My mother came to America at the ripe old age of 17 from Stoke-on-Trent, England to be a nanny.  She traveled to globe in search of the American Dream, in hopes to live the glam and glitz of what was seen on the movie screen.  She was always one for appearances, you never saw her without make up and dressed in a way that she envisioned as the American Dream, her hair always done up, with the absolute care.....although, in my teenage mind I was saying "really?"....pretty typical for a teenager!

You were to "mind your p's and q's" and "look as if someone owned you".  Of which the later one always disturbed me.....but she said it ALL the time! So it must have been a humbling reality when she realized that working as a waitress that she needed help and one day went to welfare and asked for assistance.  The American Dream became just that...a Dream.  But I can tell you, as a child I thought we won the lottery with a grocery store!  I remember a time before this "jackpot" happened things were so tight that I believed that the only food available was the school lunches- of which my brothers and I got through government funding, and egg sandwiches, or when my Aunt Kathy would come and get us and keep us with her for a week or two in the summers.  I remember going to a food bank in which we would get food and free clothes- "hand me downs" was the name brand in our house because even K-mart was too expensive. And I will never forget the one day my mother had $2 and we drove to a gas station on fumes to buy the cheapest cookies she could find for a treat-because it had been so long since we had any- and they were the best tasting cookies ever! I actually buy them still as a reminder of how far I have come.  But one day, my mother, which I am sure she was filled with embarrassment, went to ask for help.  We came home from school to find a house filled with food.  She did not have to travel the globe to ask for help, but I am sure it felt like it.

I often wonder if my mother dragged her feet asking for help for her cancers, out of her still active thoughts of reaching the American Dream?  I often wonder what would have happened if she stayed in England where they have socialized medicine, if she would have gotten help sooner.  I remember after every cancer she did not look like she was living the American Dream.  Although I remember her trying to put her make-up on for radiation treatments, or to go out in public. Or trying to dress comfortably due to abdominal incisions after her colon cancer.  But what really got me was when she had brain cancer. It was very apparent the her American Dream was no longer available.  With a gaping spot of shaved head, the inability to dress herself, her trying to look "as if someone owned her".  Unfortunately at that time, CANCER owned her.  I often regret being in Georgia during this time.  But the week I was able to go home a month before she passed, I was able to care for her in ways that I never thought I would have to care for her.  But the one thing that always stays with me was I was able to crawl into bed with her and just cuddle with her.  I remember she started to cry and she apologized for the way she looked.  Even in her darkest moment she was worried about her appearance.  She said she was sorry for all that she did  and not being able to give us the best.  I remember rubbing her spot that was healing on her head and telling her that she did the best she could.  I remember crying with her.  My mother was never one to ask for help or forgiveness for that matter, but that day she asked me to forgive her for not being able to provide the way that she wanted to.  And I remember telling her that at this moment in time, as we lay in this bed, you have provided me more that anything that money could buy in this moment.

So you do not have to travel the globe to help, sometimes you just need to cross the street.  Or sometimes you just need to look within and find a person within arms reach to help.  My mother helped me that day in her bed, and helped to realize that there is so much more to life than appearances, and to material possessions of the "American Dream".  It may be as simple as reaching out and just being with someone and doing a kind gesture.  And that is the reason for Karma Caps.

Angels I have heard on high~

The Holidays.....my mother loved the holidays.  It was a time to decorate, cook, sing, get stressed and prepare for dysfunctional family gatherings.  However, the holidays, no matter which way you cut it, it is a time of reflection. To reflect on the old, the new, the forgotten, the mistakes, and the angels that God places in your life.

When I look back to when my mother had her first cancer, I was oblivious to the responsibilities of parenthood. Having two children of my own, I now know that my mother, on top of her cancer, was more concerned about providing a holiday season for us than battling her inconvenience.  My mother was one that liked to go all out for the holidays.  Thanksgiving was a feast fit for an army.  Down to the homemade gravy, to the plates, napkins, all was dressed in a spectacular display of how she envisioned the rich to celebrate.  Christmas.  Wow is all I can say.  I believe this was my mothers favorite holiday.  The inside of our house would be transformed into a winter wonderland and over the years it exploded into a kids dream of wonder.  Only I was already older by the time it hit this, but I know my children would have relished in it.

I remember this was the first time that our family was sponsored by a family that could afford to provide for us as well as their own family.  These are some of the angels I was talking about.  I remember my mother was very weak from her radiation treatments.  I remember coming home from school and she was on the couch and looked upset.  I remember her telling me that she tried to go shopping with this husband and wife and she just could not do it.  She got a few things in the cart and had to leave or pass out.  So this family shopped for her.   They took time out of their lives for us.  To spend money on us.   A woman that they did not know, with cancer, with three children who they had no clue what we liked.  For them I will always be grateful and it is because of them that I believe in doing the same.  To give to those in need.

But the Angel that came to us that winter was not only this family, but a family that I would always be in debt to.  My stepfather and his family.  Although he was not my stepfather til years later, he stayed.  He began to date my mother not too long before her diagnosis.  He was a man, with no children of his own.  Dating a woman with three!!! children and a woman who was just diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian and uterine cancer.  Not only did he start to date her, but he stayed with her.  And he stayed with us!  I was not raised with grandparents due to my mother was an immigrant from England over here on a work visa.  But I never knew I  could be loved so much by strangers. They took my mother everyday to her radiation treatments for six weeks, 5 days a week.  They gave to us as if we were there own.   I remember this Christmas clearly.  For it was filled with family, not by blood, but by love.  It was filled with strangers who gave to our family.  To make sure my mother did not have to worry, to make sure we had presents, to make sure we had joy.  For God knows what He is doing when He places people in your life.  He may not give you the answers or the test results you want, or the possessions you want.  But He gives to you in unspoken ways that will always permeate through you.  For He gives you angels on this earth.  I am thankful for these angels and I will never forget, and I will always give back in the spirit that was given to me!

My mothers signature

There are times in your life when it feels like you are in a movie and telling yourself "nah...what ever, just move out of the way before the train smacks you" because you have seen it before and know what is about to happen.   But you just stand there. Waiting to prove the ending wrong.  Looking down the tracks, you see the light.  A pin size, then a pencil size, a plate size light and before you know it, it is right in front of you.  Just wishing you would have moved. Hoping you are on the right side of the tracks, only to catch the breeze and feel the energy radiating from off the ground.  To tell yourself...see I knew I would not be hit.  But dammit, if only that was true.

I remember the day I returned back to school after my mother had her first surgery.  I was in 9th grade at Buckeye High School.  I was out for a week.  Out due to my mother had no one else to help take care of her.  I remember.  I was called into the principles office.  I remember sitting in the hallway.  Nervous.  I was a quiet person.  Never demanded attention, nor did I really want it.  To fly under the radar to not get caught up in others drama.  But I sat there.  Finally, I was called in.  Okay...........breathe.

I remember the diatribe of the policy of attendance. How important it is to be in school.  How important an education is...blah blah blah.  I remember thinking I would have rather been in school than at the hospital, at home, changing bandages, helping my mother throw up.  I would have loved to have been in a classroom, sitting in boring lectures.  Getting caught up in drama in the hallway.  But no, I was not.

I remember the principal asking why my mother did not come to this meeting.  I simply looked at him and said "Sir.  To no disrespect to you, but I have had other things to worry about than having my mother call and explain why I was not in school.  My mother has cancer.  My mother is a single mother, with 3 children.  We do not have the luxury of having help.  We are on welfare. We do not have friendly neighbors to come help us.We live in government housing where people would rather be doing crack.  So, if it is alright with you, I will gladly write you an essay of what I have learned and been educated on that is not taught in school.  But I promise you I studied hard.  I will have my mother write a letter of excuse and attach her hospital discharge papers if you need.  But I will be in school when the doors are open, because I would rather be no where else, if only to get a break.

I still have the essay I wrote. With my mothers signature. What I would do to have her here to sign this.

Normal???? I despise that word~

You know the sound that a record player needle makes when it scratches across the record, trying to grasp the melody that it lost, but just can not seem to catch it.  Well that is the sound that I heard when we were in the doctors office as he told my mother she had stage 3 cervical and ovarian cancer.  She had let it go and go due to being a single mom, working, taking care of 3 kids on the brink of the emotional, self centered teen years, trying to rebuild after our house burnt down the year before and trying to have a normal life herself.....what ever that may be for a single mom with no time for herself.

But that noise.  You want so badly for it to catch the song, the melody and if it worked out right, it would catch it at the beginning of your favorite line to sing along with.  But it did not. 

"Ms. Mackie, you have cancer".  I remember my mother sitting there very stoic.  Emotionless.  Stunned and trying to remain composed.  Statue like.  I knew what cancer was at that time, seeing many other family members have had it.  But I still did not comprehend the path it takes.  Maybe like the flu.  You would feel bad for a bit, but then after awhile, you would begin to return back to normal.  Normal?????? I despise that word~

There is nothing normal with a person after they have been diagnosed with cancer.  I can only speak vicariously through what my mother went through, but nothing in my life was ever normal.  Especially after that day.  I remember the doctor going through treatment options.  First there would be an operation.  Second that, if they did not get it all, radiation.  Radiation is a whole different ball game to say the least.  That would entail another operation to place a "seed" in the area close to were the cancer is.  Then six weeks of going to the hospital monday through friday to be exposed to a solid stream of radiation to try to kill the cancer.  If that did not work, then chemotherapy.  Not to mention.....my mother was a single mom with three children embarking on teenage waste land.

You see normal is lost to a cancer patient.  Their day comes to a screetching halt like the noise a needle makes trying to grasp a melody.  The melody that day ended.  The band broke up. The instruments began to collect dust.  The record player could not be fixed.  What awaited us was a life that was everything but normal.

What?

It is amazing to me how much one can remember when given time to sit in a quiet room and think.  I'd like to think I would be solving the worlds problems: ways to help the homeless, ways to solve the financial crisis, ways to get  my kids to even clean their room without asking.  But instead I find myself wandering back to 1986, sitting in a doctors office with my mother as she awaits her test results. Why she wanted me to come with her, I do not know.  It was the summer before starting 9th grade.  I remember it was a very sunny, humid day.  My mother and I never had the best relationship, but I guess at this time she needed me.  She could have asked her sisters to attend who have been there, done that, could ask questions during her speechless, head swirling moment.  But she did not.  I still will never understand, but I guess at that moment, God knew that I needed her as much as she needed me.  I was 14 at the time.  A time when I had to really grow up without realizing what was in store for our family. A time that things would steadily unravel and would not make any sense until I became 40 why it rained on a sunny day.

Taught myself to make a hat hugger...picture says it all~

Breast Cancer Awareness

Breast Self-Awareness

Your Breast Care: Helpful Hints for Women

Except for skin cancers, breast cancer is the most common cancer in women, but it can be successfully treated. Screening tests can find cancer early, when it’s most treatable.

Susan G. Komen for the Cure® recommends that you: 

1. Know your risk  

• Talk to your family to learn about your family health history
• Talk to your provider about your personal risk of breast cancer

2. Get screened 

• Ask your doctor which screening tests are right for you if you are at a higher risk
• Have a mammogram every year starting at age 40 if you are at average risk
• Have a clinical breast exam at least every 3 years starting at age 20, and every year starting at age 40

3. Know what is normal for you
See your health care provider if you notice any of these breast changes:

• Lump, hard knot or thickening inside the breast or underarm area
• Swelling, warmth, redness or darkening of the breast
• Change in the size or shape of the breast
• Dimpling or puckering of the skin
• Itchy, scaly sore or rash on the nipple
• Pulling in of your nipple or other parts of the breast
• Nipple discharge that starts suddenly
• New pain in one spot that doesn’t go away

To see illustrations of these warnings signs please visit the Breast Facts section.  

4. Make healthy lifestyle choices 

• Maintain a healthy weight
• Add exercise into your routine
• Limit alcohol intake
• Limit postmenopausal hormone use
• Breastfeed, if you can

Breast Self-Awareness Interactive Tool 

We are currently updating this tool, please stay tuned for a brand new interactive breast self-awareness tool!

Breast Self-Awareness Cards 

Susan G. Komen for the Cure® offers a variety of breast self-awareness cards in different languages and for specific populations. You can download and print these cards for yourself.

Karma Head Bands

My attempt at making head bands....since not all people are into hats.... well then we will make head bands...Got to keep people guessing what is coming next~

Ada and her American Girl Karma Caps~

Ada wanted to sit and make a Karma Cap to raise more money for yarn, but since it is impossible for her to sit still very long she has decided to make Karma Caps for American Girl dolls and sell them since 1 American Girl doll hat would buy a skein of yarn to make a chemo cap~

How Karma Caps started

While home this summer, I was going through the attic looking for Christmas ornaments from my childhood.  While going though many boxes I discovered all of my mothers yarn that she had collect over the years. I emailed a friend who makes hats for chemo patients to see if she would like any of the yarn and I would mail it to her. However, I never heard back from her before I left to come back to Georgia.  On the way home from Ohio to Georgia, I decided that I would teach myself to knit and crochet and begin to make hats for those who were undergoing chemotherapy and use my mothers yarn.  I have only been at it since August 2011 and have already made 75 hats for those undergoing treatment.  I know how isolated and tired and at times hopeless a cancer patient can feel.  I believe that this is just a small gesture that I can do to encourage those who are undergoing cancer treatment to not give up.  There are many people out there praying for them and wishing them a safe recovery.  I know that my mother could have used a reminder that someone was thinking about her and praying for her recovery.  So in her honor and memory I am passing along these well wishes on her behalf~




Each hat is $10.00. When a hat is purchased, another hat is made to be donated to a local cancer center to those who are undergoing Chemotherapy. The cost of the hat covers both skeins of yarn and shipping.

I can make hats for adults, toddlers and babies. Please specify which size you would like~

If there is a specific person you would like a hat donated to you can let me know, if not the donated hat will go to a local Cancer Center.